We live near the coast. It’s a bit bloody lovely actually. Probably a mile walk to the beaches. Lots of Gulls there. Hardy things who cling to the cliffs and try and steal discarded chips (from arseholes). I’m not a fan of Gulls.

In our garden we have a lot of Blackbirds (I thought they were territorial – family?). I’ve seen Robins over the winter. I good few Coal Tits (endangered I think). A couple of Crows. Some Starlings (like a juvenile gang that lot) and once a Hawk rested in the garden (I missed that – annoying, Herself was amazed by it).

We also have a couple of Gulls who hang around the street. I call them Hipster Gulls. Can’t hack it with their Brethren on the cliffs, so come inland a bit to be safe and try and have a chill life.

They are annoying fecks.

The entire street starts keeping an eye out around this time of year to stop them nesting on the roof. If you don’t get to the nest quick enough and remove it – before they lay – well you’re legally not allowed to touch it then. Woe betide anyone who lets a pair nest on their roof. They will probably bumble on through life, unknowing that the rest of the street hates them.

They are REALLY annoying fecks.

Hot Summers evening? Want to sleep with the window open a little? Prepare to be woken very, VERY early with not the dawn chorus but Vera Duckworth with a throat infection, on karaoke, out of tune, at 500 decibels.

I am not fond of them.

So it’s War.

I’m not allowed to do what I’d prefer to do, because it’s very not legal. So I bought a super soaker thing from Amazon. It’s basically a long plastic tube with a plunger. Stick it in a bucket of water, pull the plunger back and with a bit of strength I can shoot a jet of water that reaches the roof (not accurately but it does the job). Our neighbours took collection of it and wrapped up it looks a little shotgun-like. So that started a bit of gossip, until Herself collected it from them and said it was my water blaster for the Gulls ‘Oh bloody brilliant! Make sure he gets the ones that sit on our roof’

Mad Zero to Hero in a matter of seconds

Now Herself loves wildlife so we have two little birdhouses hanging off the trees in various parts of the garden and she’ll throw in stuff for the birds. This does not help in time of War. As the Gulls see the birds flocking and think “Must be some grub there” and land in the garden to have a root around.

Herself does not understand that feeding the little birds is undermining the War effort on the Gulls

‘Stop buying bloody bird stuff and putting it out!’

‘But the birds…’

‘Will be fine!’

It’s a bone of contention.

The Gulls know to run from me. I head out of the back door and they’re off. They used to just sit on the roofs until I went away, but now they get a shot of water heading their way – and they don’t like it. I’m having the time of my life. Can’t wait to hit one right in the gob with a jet. They don’t run from Herself. She goes out in the garden and they just stand there with a ‘You’re no threat’ look on their gobs.

And then I got the water soaker.

It sits at the backdoor so she picked it up, went out and a Gull looked at her with disdain…so she shot it in the gob with a jet of water. She said she laughed for an hour.

Well done, said me…absolutely seething inside with jealously.

It’s War after all and she got the good bit.